*sigh*
A lot of things have been really eating away at me recently. A lot of things I can't even put on this either, as it could offend/ start fights. Quite frankly, I don't really care anymore. Certain people piss me off, and certain people need to see how their actions affect others. Vague enough? Good. Moving on.
I was hit with a rather big problem recently. Those who know me know that I left Ayr where I lived with a close friend to move to Dundee so I could live with Kenny. When in Dundee, my depression and anxiety came back and essentially destroyed me. I had no job, no friends, and no JSA money.
Moving back to Glasgow has been the best option as I would be around people I know again, and I was accepted into the City Of Glasgow College. Although I'm still struggling with my mental illness, there has been improvement. I've made friends at college, and I've even applied to do the HNC/ HND course - which is a huge thing for me!
The big problem however, is that Kenny may need to move back to Dundee with his work. Do I move? Do I stay here? I don't know. He may recieve an offer to work with GFI in either Dundee or Edinburgh, however the cost of travel after a while will build up and I'm just worried in case I am holding him back. It's a tricky one...
On a more "woe is me" note though, I feel like I've been forgotten by a lot of people. I've noticed this over the last year or so, but I've came to accept it now. It's sad really. But I suppose there's no point in harassing someone to hangout with you when they'd rather go to the same town to hangout with other people. Maybe it's me, y'know? Maybe I've changed? Maybe I'm just not as likeable as I used to be, or maybe I'm too sad. Who knows. I have at least 2 people though who despite everything have kept in touch, and still continue to give random phone calls/ texts/ visits. Well, maybe that should be only 1 person as I don't think Kenny counts, haha! I just kinda feel like I'm getting more distant from everyone, but I don't think I have it in me to care anymore.
I've also noticed how much angrier I am recently. It's to the point where I can actually make Andrew gasp sometimes with the shit I say. Looking back on it, it's pretty harsh what I say. Worst thing is though, I don't regret it. It just feels like it much easier to piss me off, or even send me on a supreme downer. The only way I've been coping has been just getting absorbed in a game, but that's not very good especially when I've got other shit to do.
Oh. Panic attacks. What's that shit about?! For the past 2 months now, I've been suffering from these A LOT. Going to college in the morning is a nightmare as sometimes the subway makes me think I'm going to die. A snippet of went through my head one day - "I'm going to die and it's going to be slow. My heart's speeding up and I'm going to die. Maybe I should walk on to the platform? Oh god, I can't move my legs. I can't breathe. How the fuck do I swallow again?!?!"
I have stood at the platform in Ibrox subway allowing 3 trains to go by before I got on it, because I couldn't move and that was the shit going through my head. What the fuck is that?! I forgot how to fucking swallow. What the actual fuck!? Needless to say it's been pretty terrifying. I tried to go to a councilor at the college, but I didn't like it. It was just really uncomfortable...
And now to finish this up...
This is my last month as a student. I get my bursary payed into my account on the 17th and 31st. After that, I'm terrified. I have no job, and I'm terrified in case the Job Centre do what they did in Dundee... "Lololol, your bf is earning too much. Live off of his money". Words can't describe the terror and dread I feel about this...... :|
