Slowly getting there

I'm terrible at keeping track of these blogs :P

So, I officially started my course on the 29th of August and I attend on the Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I was absolutely terrified as well. Barely slept a wink. Seriously! Due to the travel, I'm having to get myself up at 3:30/4:00 which gives me time to get up, dressed, put on make up, straighten my hair (which is a mission on it's own!!) then get down to the bus station for the 6:10 bus which will get me in for 8:15 or 8:30ish depending on traffic. Considering I got about 2 hours sleep at the most on the Sunday, you can imagine that I was pretty much dead on my feet! Thankfully Kenny came to Glasgow with me that day, as he went to view a flat in Rutherglen - but I'll talk more about the whole flat issue another day, like when I actually move in so it has a happy ending ;)
The first day went really well I think! I got to use a Mac, which was glorious :P I won't lie though, it was a bit weird. I've never used one before, so it takes a bit of getting used to - as does Illustrator. I have no fucking clue how to use it! So during our Digital Media class, it's safe to say that I failed pretty miserably at it :P Hopefully I'll be better this Monday though! :)

I love the drawing classes though. I love how it's really giving me a challenge! One of my major hangups with any drawings I do is the fact I take ages with them. I'm too much of a perfectionist with a defeatist attitude! "Och, I fucked that up!" *start again!*, or "Naw, that's shite!" *rage smoke!*. They don't give me the chance to be like that. It would be a case of BAM! Draw the person in front of you now by:

• Quick sketch in 20 mins making sure the proportions are good
• Drawing with the hand you don't use (My left hand for me)
• Draw with the hand you don't use and don't look at your drawing, and don't take your pencil off the paper! One continuous line!
• Use pastels/charcoal/pencil/conte chalk

I've put a few of the better pics up along with the first one I drew just to show some sort of improvement. I know that these aren't absolutely amazing, but it's nice to actually see that they are getting better and I'm allowing myself to be more sketchy instead of extremely delicate with them :)

First day
Draw person in front
20 mins 

Second day
Draw person in front - profile
15 mins

Third day
Draw person in front - profile (using charcoal)
15 mins

Fourth day
Draw person in front wearing a hat
20 mins

Forth day
Self portrait while wearing a hat
45 mins

Kenny

So, I was in the shower there and while washing I was just thinking about a lot of stuff and conversations online I had today. For the record, I'd like to state right now that this is aimed no one in particular. It's a rant that's been years in the making.

I know there's a lot of people who think that Kenny's too good for me. I also know that there's people who think that I am a bitch to him. Well, to those people...:

Fuck you.

See, I'm aware that me and Kenny are total opposites. I know we don't have millions of things in common. What I do know however, is that we know everything about each other. We don't kiss and cuddle 24/7 or in public  because we don't need to show off how much we love each other nor do we don't need to send overly cutesy text messages or emails. Quite frankly, I find couples who do that really annoying and smug. Great, you're a couple. We get it. Get over it. I know I'm really cynical though, but I won't apologise for it either. That's just who I am. Don't like it? Tough.

Let me ask you something though. How well do you know your partner? What's going through their head? Are they lying to you? Are they telling your friends things about you that you don't even know about? 

I've had people say to me "You must not love each other that much if you're in an open relationship! How can you have sex with someone else or kiss someone else and claim you love him?"

Lolwut?!

Have you ever considered that maybe we love each other so much we want to allow each other to experiment with other people? Can anyone honestly say 100%, that your eyes have never wandered? Have you never seen anyone and thought or fantasised about them? Never? We let each other experiment and have fun, but we always talk about it. If one of us ever felt uncomfortable or decided we wanted to stop, then it stops, and it's just me and him. To me, sex isn't everything. It's fun. It's contact. It's also a bond. Don't get me wrong, I don't go to a club, see someone then go "lolololol sex naow?!". Nor do I jump into bed with someone who I don't know or just think is hot. There's more to it than that.

I can understand that some people may disagree with that, or find it wrong. Go ahead! You're allowed to think what you like. That is your right as a human being. Just do not tell me that I am being a terrible partner, because I can assure you that I am most certainly not.

I can list many reasons why I love Kenny. I won't however as quite frankly I can't be arsed. What I will say though is that Kenny knows everything about me. He's seen me at my high points in life (literally too :P) and he's seen me at my very lowest. Throughout all of that, he has stayed by me, supported me, helped me and not complained. He makes me feel special and I do the same for him. I would never hurt someone who can make me feel like that.

Over the past 4, coming up 5 years now, me and Kenny have been through a lot. There was even a brief time where we nearly split up. We worked on it though, and if anything we're stronger for it. Nor has it just been me going through shit, he has went through his fair amount of shit too. He doesn't talk about it though. No wait....

He tells me.

And who helps him?

Me.

It frustrates me so much when couples don't talk about their problems. They run and tell their mates about how "he did this" or "she does this", and when asked if they've told their partner how they say... "No....".

*facepalm*

I'm gonna wind it up here cause I should probably get some kip, but this has been bugging me for a while. I just hope maybe someone will read this and think, "Hmm, maybe I should appreciate my partner a bit more" or maybe question do they actually even know who they're with. If you're in a perfect relationship however then great! Good for you! Don't let them slip away, and never change yourself for them either! Always be yourself and remember and appreciate the people closet to you as well. They might not always be there for you when you need them otherwise.

P.S. As much as I love Kenny, he can also be a prick at times too. I love him enough to admit he has flaws, and Kenny... sweetie... If you're reading this right now then yes, I love you. But so help me, if you keep me awake all night ever again, imma gonna hurt you! :P

Love. We can has it.

This is tougher than I ever expected

I wish I could drive. I just want to drive away from here and go somewhere I feel safe and relaxed. With Kenny being away it's making me realize how much I really struggle at being on my own. I feel like a nervous wreck depending on people online to keep me company more than usual - which is never a good thing considering that these people have their own lives to deal with. I just feel so selfish.

It's actually exhausting being so damned miserable. I'm sick of it and it's making me ill.

I'm trying to get through this by just sleeping. I woke up today at the back of 9pm which is good, cause if I manage to sleep by 2pm then hopefully I can wake up at 6pm then it's another day that's disappeared.

I wish I had a Tardis.

No, scrap that. I wish I had a fucking life.

Music always helps

For the past few weeks especially, I've been feeling really low. I try not to burden people with my issues, but the few people who know me closely know what's going on in my head and they also know why I get so down. Past and present issues are the main thing in it all. Today has been another one of those days. While sitting here and saying to myself, "right, you need to move and tidy the flat, go for a shower, try and be creative - find some motivation damnit!", I still didn't move. Instead I did what I usually do... I sat and stared aimlessly at Google+, Facebook, Twitter and old reliable - YouTube. While starting off on YouTube watching little snippet documentaries of Komodo Dragons, I came across this music video that I haven't heard in years. I sat and watched and listened intently then felt a feeling of hope. Too corny? Well, it's true regardless of that.
So I say to you now, when you have one of those days where you just want to hide under the duvet; when you just want to curl up and hide away; when you lack motivation and any sort of pride or respect in yourself, listen to this. Just take 5 minutes and watch and listen. Hopefully if you're like me, you'll feel moved enough to actually do as the song says.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience...I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked....You're not as fat as you
imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind...the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe
you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either -- your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own..

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

The longest blog I've ever done.

I do believe I have a fair bit to write up on... I'm actually want to take the time and effort with this one though, so I'm going to be doing it in segments for my benefit :P 

* College and MONO *

The last few blogs were mainly me saying my goodbyes to a friend who was killed suddenly, and everything else didn't really seem to matter. I never mentioned the outcome of the college interview for the Art & Design course. I got to the college, and the lecturer had told us that the A&D course was full and that anyone successful would just be put in a waiting list. Kinda bummed about it to be fair, but when they interviewed me, they said I would be good in a Graphic Design course. I could do a year at that, then if I pass, I could then try and move onto a higher A&D class - as I'm more interested in abstract work. The Graphic Design course will help me though, as I'm quite rusty at drawing so it'll be good to have a year of traditional drawing in a learning environment so I can be more motivated :)

I went to go and see MONO at The Arches in Glasgow with Bob and (American) Will which was fucking awesome! We were right up the front for it so we had a great view! I never heard of the support band before, and they were called Holy Mountain, so I was expecting lots of ambiance and wind chimes, but was greeted with 2 guys with guitars, lots of white noise, screaming, one of the guys head butting his guitar and flailing about and just your normal run of the mill noise-core music.

I loved it! =D

When MONO cam on, I was so happy. Their music is just beautiful, and to see it performed right in front of my eyes was just.... bliss! I was kinda gutted that they never played the song "Everlasting Light", but they played a lot of other songs too, including "Burial At Sea". Have a listen =)

* The Travel to Brum *
I have learned something valuable from this experience. Never let my brother book things "on the cheap". =P As much I as I enjoy saving money, I never want to walk about Birmingham from 5am till 3pm to check into a dingy wee Travel Lodge again! The bus travel on the way down was tolerable at best. We spent the time either listening to our music, playing "I Spy" and laughing at this annoying guy on the bus who passed out and kept making funny faces in his sleep XD

This guy was such a total douche, but it was amusing to laugh at him when he was sleeping :P

* Metal Exhibition *
My brother, his friend Stevi and me went to go to see the Metal exhibition in town and it was brilliant! It was awesome walking about seeing memorabilia, recorded interviews and just hearing good music =D There isn't much more to say about it, but I got a few pics off my phone from it. It makes me feel so old =(

Only a £1!!! Everything's so expensive now >.<

*drool* It's a rubbish picture, I know, but that bike was amazing!

Judas Priest cassette tapes

Judas Priest Pop-Up book

My wee drawing =)

* The Gig *
Roger Waters was absolutely astounding! It was more of a performance rather than a gig. For any Pink Floyd fans who may read this will (hopefully) have heard of the album; The Wall.

"The Wall is a rock opera that explores abandonment and isolation, symbolised by a metaphorical wall. The songs create an approximate storyline of events in the life of the protagonist, Pink, a character based on Waters, whose father was killed during the Second World War. Pink is oppressed by his overprotective mother, and tormented at school by tyrannical, abusive teachers. Each of these traumas become metaphoric "bricks in the wall". The protagonist eventually becomes a rock star, his relationships marred by infidelity, drug use, and outbursts of violence. As his marriage crumbles, he finishes building his wall, completing his isolation from human contact.Hidden behind his wall, Pink's crisis escalates, culminating in an hallucinatory on-stage performance where he believes that he is a fascist dictator performing at concerts similar to Neo-Nazi rallies, at which he sets men on fans he considers unworthy. Tormented with guilt, he places himself on trial, his inner judge ordering him to "tear down the wall", opening Pink to the outside world. The album turns full circle with its closing words "Isn't this where...", the first words of the phrase that begins the album, "...we came in?", with a continuation of the melody of the last song hinting at the cyclical nature of Waters' theme.The album includes several references to former band member Syd Barrett, including "Nobody Home", which hints at his condition during Pink Floyd's abortive US tour of 1967, with lyrics such as "wild, staring eyes", "Hendrix perm" and "Gohills Boots". "Comfortably Numb", was inspired by Waters's injection with a muscle relaxant to combat the effects of hepatitis during the In the Flesh Tour."

Needless to say, it's an intense and very personal album. I first discovered this album when I was roughly 14/15 years old, and I fell in love with it. I related with the loneliness and the songs.. "they spoke to me, man!" I would listen to it on repeat constantly, I even had lyrics for it wrote on my school bag. I was sooo goth! Haha. It's hard to try and explain how awesome the gig was, because it was there's much to talk about. My brother managed to record the end of the songs, Bring The Boys Back Home, Comfortably Numb and Run Like Hell. The videos aren't great quality, but if you have the volume relatively low you can tolerate it and be amazed at the projections. Again, the videos reduce the quality massively, but you can imagine how amazing it would have been to actually be there. I just can't wait till the DVD for the tour comes out, because I need to relive this in some sort of way and if you're a fan then I recommend it to you too. 

Intermission - The wall is fully built and pictures of dead soldiers and  civilians cover it

Bring the Boys Back Home / Comfortably Numb
(Forgive the quality and gaze in wonder at 7:40mins in)

Run Like Hell

(Again, sorry about the quality)

* What's next?! *
For all the people who actually take the time to read this or know me, you've probably assumed that I'm not a fan of living in Dundee. Well, you're right. I hate it. Intensely. 
So it is with that, I take great joy in saying typing that we have a flat awaiting us Glasgow now! It's in the same flat block as my brother, less than a minutes walk to the subway station and a 15minute walk into the city centre! I can't wait! I'm hoping to move in on the 19th of August, so this means I'll actually need to start packing soon!!
Also, Kenny's going away to Berlin on the 4th of August - the 12th, so I'm trying to get people to come up and visit so I have company. Hopefully people can make it!


And with that, I end the blog. If you made it this far then well done! Here, have a cookie! =)

Watch.

That is all.

I hope the dead have internet access, cause this is written just for you.

Your funeral was on Wednesday the 22nd of June. Since I got told the news, I've felt numb. There's been points where I feel like I've accepted everything but then it's like I've forgotten it's all happened, y'know? It still doesn't feel real as I type this. I feel like I'm writing a script... a really fucked up script at that...

I must say though, I was so amazed at the turn out on Wednesday. I knew you were popular dude, but holy shit! You truly were King Bob... It's sad that we never had more time together... we'd known each other for so many years but I learnt so many different things about you that day. Your childhood dreams... your family... your actual student life... I wish I learnt these things from you as no doubt we would have laughed for hours together at all the fucked up stuff you did. You brought joy to so many people, and I'm sure every single of them all have hilarious memories with you.

Do you remember when we went to see Beardyman together? You got so pished then we danced for hours till you realized you couldn't take your jumper off as you were wearing a "Hitler's tour of Europe" t-shirt and were petrified to get beaten up? So instead you just took your backpack and wore it over your chest and pretended to be a pregnant tranny? :P Braw times lol.

I can't believe you actually mentioned the times in Ayr in your dissertation acknowledgments... I thought you were joking when you mentioned that to us!! Hahaha. My heart just stopped when you mentioned the times about getting the fear! I guess that's what happens when you get high with me and Andrew and we say "Oh, have you seen this?! LETS WATCH IT! IT'S GREAT!". So many times you would just scream out; "WHIT?! WHIT?! Aw naaawwwwww... whit the fuck, man?! THIS IS GEEIN ME THE FEEER GUYS". Hahaha, those times still make me giggle away :)

I never understood why you enjoyed saying "anal" so much either - but I do love how it became such a running joke between the 3 of us :)

I could sit for hours and list all the memories we have, but my last meeting of you will truly be my fondest. That was the day you and Andrew went to see Tim Minchin. You met us in Stereo for some "FUCKIN' TAPAS, MAAAAN!", we had some banter, you took great pride in calling me a wee dirty after learning some of the stuff I'd been up to, you even gave me a wee freebie bit of weed for the trip home (that was some really fuckin' strong stuff too!!) then walked me up to the bus stop. We all stood outside the station and then spoke about the slang we would use as kids! "That's a pure sin man! HAWWWWW that's pure shady!!". You then hugged me, told me to take care and we would meet up soon and have a wee smoke. I hugged you back, gave you a kiss on the cheek and said "I can't wait. Take care o' yerself ya daft bugger"

At least out last words together were meaningful. I can't wait till we meet again. We shall smoke together in the cosmos and the astral plane and discuss random things and have delightfully disgusting banter once again.

And with that, I will now wipe away the tears, pour myself a vodka, and try and get on with the rest of my life. I feel privileged for knowing you. It's like you always knew when we were down, for you would just appear randomly at the door with a big smile and hugs. You have inspired me to live my life to the fullest, for we never know when our time is up. You will always be missed from everyone who had the pleasure of knowing you.

Love you loads and enjoy chillin' with Bob Marley ;)

Stephen Roberts a.k.a. Bob

29th November 1986 - 9th June 2011

Goodbye Bob...

A lot has happened in the past 2 weeks.

I've had ups, downs, laughs and cries. The past day has mainly been tears mind you... or trying my bloody best to keep it together and not cry...

My friend, Stephen Roberts (or known by a few of us as "Glasgow Bob"), was involved in an accident and was killed on the 9th of June... I only found out first thing on the Sunday from Andrew who called me to let me know... I feel pretty numb about it all now and yesterday just seems like a blur. It was absolutely heartbreaking...

I'm awaiting news to when the funeral is so I can say goodbye... I shouldn't have to say goodbye to him though. He only just graduated Uni. It's so fucking unfair. It only properly sank in last night when I was out having a smoke outside The Counting House. I kept expecting to see him walk by. And everything reminded me of him. Then I just realised... He's dead and I'm never going to see him again. I had a smoke in the last place I ever seen him... out side the bus station. That was the day Tim Minchin played...

I can't type anymore as it breaks my heart to much to think about it anymore...
My thoughts and prayers go out to all his family and friends.

Rest in piece, Bob... I'll never forget you :'(

Love you always, Kayleigh x

Shh... I'm bored and can't sleep...

* Are you ready for some ACTUAL questions; questions that teenagers actually go through? 
I'm not a teenager, but go for it =P

* First off, what’s your full name? 
Kayleigh Gibson.

* Do you know what love is? 
I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEEEEEEE! =P

* How often do you honestly say “I wanna die”? 
I haven't said that with real serious suicidal intentions since I was a lot younger, thankfully.

* Do you ever wish you could just go to sleep & never wake up? 
Nah. Sleep for a very long time til something goes away, yes.

* Do you want to have any children? If so, how many?
No! No screaming babies or vaginal tearing for me, ta! 

* Jacob Black or Edward Cullen?  
You can fuck right off with that question, however if its 'who would you like to shoot in the face most' Can I line them up  and shoot sparkletits first and shower wolfy with his brains?

* How many piercings have you had in your life? 
I have both my ears pierced twice, my lip and nipple. So 6. Soon to be more though =3

* Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? 
I'm as gay as skittles, so if I had a problem with any of that then I'd be a dick.

* Do you use hearts like this ♥ a lot? 
Yes. ♥

* What were you doing at 2am last night? 
Drinking vodka and skyping with Linky

* Would you go in public looking like you do right now? 
HELL NO.

* Do you like where you live? 
HA! No.

* How’s your sister? 
Quite upset about the fact she doesn't exist.

* Is anyone over protective of you? 
Not that I know of! I'd like to think people had better things to do with their time that be protective of me =P

* Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? 
Yes! :-/

* What color is your iPod? 
Purple n_n

* What colour is your toothbrush? 
Pink.  (There was no purple ones left)

* Tell us the truth, what made you start liking the person you like now? 
Which one?! :P I like a lot of people, me.  I can't describe why I like Kenny - I like the fact that I just do though! No one can replace that loveable wee bastard :)

* Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? 
Yes.

* Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now? 
Yeah :(

* What do you do when you’re having a bad day?
Hide in my room and cry like a giant emo loser.

* Where is your biological mother right now? 
Other end of the country.

* When was the last time you cried really hard? 
Few days ago >.<

* Let’s test your memory, what were you doing at this moment a year ago?
How the dicks am I supposed to know this?

* Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex? 
NO THAT'S DIRTY!!! D: Of course I have you dick.

* Do you smoke weed everyday? 
Ha! Sometimes I wish! :P

* Do you always answer your phone? 
If its someone I like =P

* When was the last time you went to the circus? 
A LONG time ago.

* If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Spring. Not too hot, not too cold, and cute baby animals!! =D

* Do you like the snow? 
Yeah its pretty cool until it drives our country to a hault cause we're shit and can't deal with ice.

* What is bothering you right now? 
Money issues, having no job, uncertainty of the future, etc etc etc

* Have you ever liked someone older than you? 
Can we count celebrities? Hugh Laurie is old enough to be my dad but ♥ ♥ ♥

* Who was the last person to call you? 
Linky

* Are you multi-tasking right now? 
Nope

* Who is the last person you got a text from? 
Will

* Are you wearing a hoodie? If so, what color? 
Nope

* What is the most irritating thing? 
Loud chewing.

* Are you a patient person? 
I can be

 * What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Does a cigarette count?

* Do you get along with guys? 
Yeah.

* Do you ever listen to country music?
No.

* Are you anything like you were at this point last year? 
I think I'm more mature.

* Do you think you are a good person? 
Well, I'm not a bastard. I'm no saint either.

* When was the last time a person of the opposite sex hugged you? 
About... an hour ago?

* Do you have an attitude? 
Ehh sometimes

* Did you lie on any of these questions so far? 
Nope

* Do you know anyone named Matthew? 
Yes

* What smiley face do you use often? 
=3

* Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough?
YUS!

* Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’? 
Yep.

* Do you think you’ll be married in three years? 
HELL no!

* Can you name one person who has the same first and last initials as you?
Kyle Gass!! :D (Tenacious D)

* Are you available? 
Open relationship!

* Would you stay with your bf/gf if they did drugs?
Yeah! Toking buddies!! As long as it wasn't getting to the point where we're selling my Xbox for smack or something then I'm cool :P

* Who is your best friend? 
I have a few best friends! They are Kenny, Linky, Will and Andrew

* When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
The other day.

* Are you waiting for anything? 
To move out of Dundee =3

* Do you think you will be a better parent than your parents were/are? 
I can't say I will do better - I can always try though. I know from experience what fucks your kids up so I know what NOT to do anyway :P

* Is there anyone who you’d risk your life for?
Yes.

* Do you think that crying is a form of weakness? 
No, its human.

* Who regularly makes appearances in your dreams? 
Lots of people! Linky and Will have a tendency to mock me in my dreams though! Bastards!! =P

* Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars? 
Sounds lovely!! =]

* Have you ever intentionally made someone jealous? 
No. I'm not a dick.

* Are relationships ever really worth it?
I like the intimacy and knowing someone's there for me and vice versa... I just don't like being tied down.  Hence the open relationship.

* Have you ever found someone you really really really liked? 
Yus.

* Honestly, are things going the way you planned? 
Nope. I get by though.

* Do you lead people on? 
No.

* What’s your mood? 
Right now, not bad!

* Are you wasting your time on someone? 
No?

* What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead? 
Hahaha, we just finished watching Irreversible... If you have seen this film you'll understand how mind fucky that was!!.

* Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math? 
Maths

* If something was wrong, who is the first boy you would go to?
Kenny. When I am upset he cuddles me lots, puts on a silly voice to make me laugh, brings me chocolate, lets me let my crazy out and doesn't care. ♥

* Ever made a girl cry? 
Yeah. Punching bitches makes them cry X3

* Who was the last person who left your life? 
My Auntie Bernadette =[

* Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? 
A couple of weeks ago

* Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single? 
I like aspects of both.

* Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy? 
No.  I think we'd all get a bit bored of the same person if we seen them every second of the day.

* What’s been different this year? 
Being in Dundee, Being jobless for the longest time in my life since leaving school, living with Kenny and going a bit more mad than usual.

* What are your plans for tomorrow? 
Having my lesbian lover, Linky stay for a week and having Hazel and Andy stay for a night too! BITCH GONNA BE CRUNKED! :D

* You have to get a piercing, what do you get?
Heh. I want an Industrial, my nose (a small nose one, not one of those nasty chunky studs/hoops) and my other nipple.

* You have to get a tattoo, what do you get?
One of my many planned. I want on my lower back a tattoo I've designed. As a huge Beatles fan, it'll be a love heart with strawberries around it with the message; "In Strawberry Fields, All you need is love" ♥

* Are the Abercrombie models hot? 
I don't know.

* Who is the last girl you hugged? 
Linky?

* Do you look older than you actually are? 
Nah, I'm babyfaced. (Apparently)

* You’re going on a roadtrip, what MUST you bring with you? 
A car and zombie survival guide. =P

* Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 
I do now.

* Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? 
Not a zombie.

* How’s your heart? 
Covered in blood and veins.

* Have you told anybody you loved them today? 
Yup =3

Not as much ranting this time

So it's been a while since I've wrote anything. I wish I could say a lot's changed or that I'm feeling fantastic, but alas, that's not the case.

Small things have been happening since I last ranted at the internet. I've decided to try and take up a hobby, and the only thing i know i'm ok at is drawing. So after doodling for a bit, and people encouraging me, I've decided to apply for an Art & Design course at the Met College in Glasgow. I've started up a small portfolio just so I can show them it at the interview. I'm bloody terrified though!! :-/

In other news, me and Kenny have decided to have other people move in with us, so Linky's definitely up for living with us, and I'm trying to talk other people into the idea as well :P Party house! :D Well.. maybe not party house, but company?! Fuck yes! I just can't wait to get the fuck out of Dundee. It's driving me mad...

I've managed to get out a bit more, see more friends back home, and even make the horrendous travel to Birmingham by bus... If I ever go back, I'm saving for a bloody train!! Seeing people was great. I missed laughing till I cried, having movie nights, getting drunk, high and just being... me! It breaks my bloody heart when I come back here though. I just never want to come back. It's soul destroying :(

I think I need to stop using sites like Facebook and Twitter as much... but they're my only communication with people, but I feel I spend *too* much time on it... Meh...

At least I have 3 things to look forward to though...

• MONO are playing live
• Going to see Rodger Waters play in Birmingham (aw shit, I just realised I need to get the bus again!! >.<)
• Moving out!! :D :D

Hopefully things will start getting better soon

"I'm going slightly mad..."

I feel like the majority of my time these days is spent aimlessly looking at Facebook waiting on something interesting to happen or spent "tweeting" in the hope of striking up banter. How depressing is that?

I fucking hate it.

I'm spending most of my time in a flat myself wishing I was back with everyone else having a life. I have the once in a blue moon moment where I can afford to visit people, then I come home and feel sorry for myself as I'm back here. This city is sucking the life from me. I can't walk down the fucking street alone without feeling like I'm having a panic attack. I can't even listen to my iPod when I'm out anymore.

I hate the fact that by me typing this it looks like I'm seeking attention. I hate the fact as well to a point no one will even notice I've wrote this. I just need to rant damnit!

I feel pretty fucking insignificant these days and it's no ones fault and I don't hold any grudges about people not visiting or anything. Hell, I of all people know it costs too much damn money for public transport these days. I'm so bloody lonely :(

I don't even know if I enjoy people visiting me anymore, cause I know within a few days people have to leave and I'm left with that feeling of "right.... what now?!"

Getting drunk is nice. Getting drunk alone is not so nice. But fuck, I need a fucking drink. I intend to finish this bottle, have a good fucking cry then wake up tomorrow at some point, forget everything, then probably stumble across this in a few months and hopefully say "Ach well, least I got over this!" lol.

To sum it up, where the hell did my life go, and can I have it back please?

/rant.

Favourite Song - Day 7

Ok, so it's nearly 5am, and yet again I'm still awake!! I think it's safe to say that I've messed up my sleeping pattern again.

It's been a strange day today. There's just been a negative aura all day and it's not shifted. It's just one of those days where you even feel uncomfortable in your own skin...

But, in other news... I have discovered this song. It's been on repeat about 5 times in a row now. Now, I beg you... sit down and watch and listen to this. Please!! It is beautiful. Also, let me know what you think of it. But YOU need to hear this :3

I don't feel alright in spite of these comforting sounds you make.

I don't feel alright because you make promises that you break.

Into your house, why don't we share our solitude?

Nothing is pure anymore but solitude.

It's hard to make sense, feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens.

If someone else comes, I'd just sit here listening to the drums.

Previously I never called it solitude.

And probably you know all the dirty shows I've put on.

Blunted and exhausted like anyone.

Honestly I tried to avoid it.

Honestly.

Back when we were kids, we would always know when to stop.

And now all the good kids are messing up.

Nobody has gained or accomplished anything.

<3

Favourite Song - Day 6

That is all. <3

Favourite Song - Day 5 / Hangover and more booze

So... was up till after 6am drinking vodka while talking on the phone drunkly to Will... So many lols... So litte time. So, to celebrate, I'm drinking again tonight!!

Weekend love!!! <3

So yes, todays song choice shall be this:

Favourite Song - Day 4

I'm going to make this a small blog and just get right to the point.

This song came out at a really difficult time in my life, and it was one of those "this song has been wrote just for you" moments. To this day, it's still one of my favourite songs of all times even though I don't have it on repeat all the time. It always makes me smile, and the album it's from it just perfect. So here you go:

<3

Favourite Song - Day 3

I actually can't be arsed writing about what's pissing me off just now. Cause I'd just rant all night. I'll just say this though:
 You are a fucking cunt. Get your fucking priorities sorted, get a fucking grip and put YOUR family first for a fucking change - not just yourself!! *


Anyway. Here's my favourite song for today.

* I'm not putting the persons name down to avoid arguments. Although part of me is saying fucking bring it >:(

Favourite Song Day 2 / Slightly more optimistic

Well, after ranting and raving in my last post I've decided to have a slightly more optimistic one today. Cause y'know... change is fun?

Well, a lot of people who know me personally will know that I'm a bit of a flirt and know of the sort of relationship me and Kenny have. We love each other to bits, but we're still young so we wanna have a bit of fun with other people. Plus, I wanna explore my... hmm... how to put it... my "inner gay"? Hahaha...
But yeah, I've been looking about and have started talking to more girls, so yay! Can haz moar confidence naow? :P
Hopefully something will come of it - failing that, I'll settle to just making a few extra friends :P

So, there's not really much else to say, so without further adieu, here is today's favourite song :)

Favourite Song - Day 1 / Moany bitch ranting

Well, it seems to be the new craze on Facebook where people will post a favourite song everyday for the month. I have decided to jump on this bandwagon because I have nothing better to do, and right now I need some nice music.

It's been a really difficult month. It feels like everything that could go wrong, has.  I feel like I've been slipping into old ways of thinking, and it's not doing me any good. I'm trying to keep myself optimistic and occupied, but I'm beginning to feel like there's no point to it. I just feel so low recently and I really don't like it.

I heard this song today for the first time in ages, and I kid you not, I just sat there and cried. How lame is that, eh?

I had the idea a couple of weeks ago about maybe starting up a web comic. Well, when I say my idea, me and my mate were joking about it online, and it actually sounded like a good wee past time. So yeah, I've came up with a few wee comic ideas, so one I have a load of them, I plan so sit down and go through them - see what needs changed etc. I'll need to actually learn Photoshop as well! So, here's my rough copy of my cartoon version of me.

I was thinking this could be used in the "About Me" section.

I've still been job hunting continuously, and fuck sake... it bloody drives you to depression. It doesn't help either when you see a job you know you can do with your eyes closed, and you don't even get any response - or maybe I have! With my phone cut off, who knows whether I've had loads of call backs?! 

*Sigh*

It's pretty grim at the moment... I'm hoping to go back to Glasgow and the 'Shire at some point soon, but I'm not even confident it's going to happen. I've just lost hope now.

But aye... This song... Listen.

/rant

Long story short...

Well, the rest of the holiday in Brussels was brilliant. Luck seemed to turn against me towards the end when my glasses randomly broke and I then fell down the stairs making my nose explode with blood. Pretty funny to look back on mind you :) Nothing really happened on the last 2 days. The guys were at the conference, so I just chilled out back at the apartment singing along to music :P
It ended too quickly though. It sucked leaving Will to walk about himself till 7pm(ish) by himself while we headed home, and it just sucked going home in general. I liked my wee escape from reality.
I definitely need to have another wee holiday with friends. It was just so much fun! :)

Anyway, since I've been home, nothing exciting has happened. Been applying for jobs like mad just hoping to hear something back. I'd be strangely happy to receive a rejection letter, because at least I know my application's been acknowledged...

But anyway, /rant

At the moment, it's 6:30am and I've still not slept. I figured I should be productive, so I've been doing the ironing to keep me amused... I know how to party!! >.>
My sleeping pattern's been pretty buggered, so if I try and stay awake till 8pm then pass out,  it should fix itself :)

So, since I'm having my wee smoke break (last smoke as well!) I thought I'd be lame and do one of these quiz thingies...
Anyway, here we go...

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?

Bring it, bitch...

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?

I don't need to cheat - we have a good deal :P Why cheat when we can share ;)

The last time you felt honestly broken?

I am broken, lol.

Are you craving something?

More smokes and a job!

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?

Money.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?

... 10 kids?! Who the fuck wants 10 kids?! The idea of 1 is a terrifying enough concept. But, I'd rather none, ta.

What do you hear right now?

Shortbus OST - In The End

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?

Yeah

What’s on your mind right now?

Too much.

Are you there for your friends?

I try to be.

Last person to see you cry?

Kenny :/

What do you do when you get nervous?

Smoke double, claw at my hands and feel sick. 

Be honest, do you like people in general?

No. They give me the fear.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

I don't know, I'm not really wanting to rush into ending my life anytime soon, thanks :P.

Does anyone completely understand you?

Does anyone completely understand anyone? *profound gaze*

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

Not really, no. But I'll do it anyway. 

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?

Of course, didn't you receive the memo? I'm awesome.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?

No, although, my life would be complete if I had Bernard's Watch. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're not cool enough to be my friend!!

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?

Hahahahahhahahhaha... Oh wait, you're serious? Pfft, of course not :P. 

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?

If Kenny smoked, I'd find it hilarious! 

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?

Hope not!

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

A lot of people :P. 

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

Past

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

Depends

Are you easy to get along with?

I dunno, best asking the poor sods who talk to me :P

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?

Nope.

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?

Irn Bru

What size bed do you have?

Double

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?

Before

Do you like the rain?

Depends on my mood, Sometime's it's fun to run about in the rain. Other times it just pisses me off.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Right this very second? Highly doubt it, lol.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?

Hahahaha, Yeah, who hasn't though!

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?

I think people would have other names for me :P

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?

Ehh.... Probably Craig?

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Pt. 1, and I seen that with Will

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

Yes.... >.>

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?

No, I have my own flat :P

Do you regret a past relationship?

Nah, they were learning experiences. Also, they made me stronger in the end.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?

Can't I do both? 

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?

Erm... Not really. Although, I like certain traits so does that count?

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?

Only with laughter. Imma funny cunt, me.

Do you care too much about your appearance?

Too much. That's the problem when you're a fugly cunt ;) IT'S. NEVER. PERFECT!! D: Hahaha :P

Are you a jealous person?

Christ, no. 

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

Nope

Do you miss anyone?

Too many people :(

Last person who made you cry?

Job Centre!! 

Does your ex piss you off?

Nah, they know better than to piss me off now :P

What are you doing tomorrow?

The same thing I do every day... NOTHING D:

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?

Hahahahahahaha!!! No :P

Is there anyone you want to come see you?

EVERYONE!!

Have you ever been cheated on?

Too many times.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?

Yes.. >.>

Do you like cotton candy?

Yeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!!!!! :3

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?

Kenny most likely

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?

I'm 24... 

Do you have siblings?

Older brother. He's a total baw :P. 

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?

Hehehe, yuppers

How has the past week been for you?

Boring as sin!

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I have more male friends than female friends. 

What’s on your mind right now?

Just thinking what to do to keep myself amused.

What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching documentaries on serial killers

What is your current mood?

Bored and "meh"

Who was the first person you talked to today?

Kenny. 

Will this week be a good one?

I wish!

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?

Being away on holiday at the beginning of the month with Kenny, Will and Bob was brilliant. Just what I needed :3

Who were you with last night?

Just me and Kenny

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Nope

Next time you will kiss someone?

Whenever Kenny wakes up :P

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?

It doesn't really matter. Although, I prefer to be kissed than by the other person. Makes me feel happy ^_^

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

None that I can afford to do :(