Old. So very old!

Well, I have now successfully survived another journey around the sun. I'm now 25.

Jeeeesus....

I guess it's time for me to reflect on this, yes?

What have I achieved in the last 25 years? Nothing that I can show off anyway. I don't have amazing school grades, a degree, or a job (yet).
What I have though, is the beginning for a fabulous future. For the past 5 years, my relationship with Kenny continues to amaze and surprise me. We have those serious chats more often now, like the "where are we going from here" conversations. Part of me wants to run to the hills at the concept of this much commitment, yet the other half feel like this is exactly where I want to be. Which, if you know me at all, is a pretty big fucking thing!

I have an amazing flat - it's not perfect, I know, but for starting off, it's bloody perfect. I can totally see me here for the next 5+ years, so recently I have been trying to be all domestic goddess and have the place just as I like it. And you know what? I fucking love it!

I actually can't believe how quickly I feel like i'm growing up... But I've decided not to fight it anymore.

I'm also trying my best to get my life back in line. I don't want to become a slave to my emotions and negativity all my life, so I have started a regime.

• Tidy more often
• Exercise more (walking back from college, ordered an exercise DVD etc)
• Be more creative
• Sort out my sleeping patterns
• Meet my college deadlines
• Meet up with friends more
• Take up a hobby that isn't just video games
• Save money!!!

So far, I'm already feeling the benefits! If anything, the sleeping pattern is the most difficult thing on that list... I'm either not falling asleep, or I'm sleeping too much!! Ach well, just gotta deal with it one step at a time :P

I have seriously been feeling a lot better recently though. I still have my bad down days, but I'm dealing with them better. I just try and do something so I'm atleast productive at the same time, so regardless how crap I fell, I know I've achieved something, and not matter how small it is, an achievement is still a posative thing :)

Shittles, it's 1am. Time to finish this up quickly then!

My birthday was amazing. Kenny and our flatmate decided to throw me a surprise party on the Saturday. I got back from my mum's, hung about town with Kenny to come back to balloons with "Happy Dethday", "Flange Juices", "Saggy Scrotum", "Anal Seepage" and other delightful words wrote on then, the most disgusting homemade vegan cake I've ever seen (fucking tasty though!), great music and a small bunch of friends. It was perfect! :)

My brother also got me a Mastodon ticket. I am so excited it's not even funny!! :D :D :D

I've also treated myself - I have bought myself a purple ukulele, and a whole bunch of DVDs! :D

Btw, the people who actually read my blog, I don't know if you're people I know or random people from the land of the internets, but if you're my friends then thank you for not treating me different for all the ranty stuff I put on this.

Right, I've summed up everything that's happened! Time for a late night shower and then sleep! :D




Also, I've never seen a comic that has summed me up more in my entire life. Read and subscribe.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

#100ThingsIHate

I can't sleep. I'm back in college tomorrow and Dragon Age 2 has ruined my sleeping pattern. This is a trending topic on Twitter, so instead of clogging up my Timeline, I did it here. It also kills some time and will hopefully make me sleepy. So here we go....

1. Being poor
2. Not knowing what I want to be when I grow up
3. Lacking the confidence to say how I really feel to people
4. Not being able to see my friends as much as I used to
5. Loud obnoxious people
6. People who don't really listen to what you say
7. Eating in public
8. My image
9. My dry skin
10. My thick hair
11. That wee neddy lassie that used to piss me off in school (bitch)
12. Not saying things to certain people when I had the chance
13. Deadlines
14. Kenny's farting (seriously, it's bad!!)
15. Constantly thinking "what if?"
16. That one person who will call all the bloody time and talk about nothing
17. People who cannot shut up through a movie
18. The people who try and get your bank info for charities in streets
19. People who don't believe in evolution
20. People who are too vain
21. People who have obnoxiously loud sex (Nae need)
22. When someone will just talk at you then get offended if you don't care
23. Not being musically talented
24. The Westboro Baptist Church
25. "Swagger Jagger". Do I need to explain??
26. Adam Sandler
27. Animal cruelty
28. Idiots
29. Nose bleeds
30. Being unable to sleep
31. Scary dreams
32. Being a coward
33. Caring too much in certain cases
34. Being too emotional
35. Being a push over
36. Being taken advantage of
37. Getting attached to people to easy
38. Give up too easy
39. Being lazy and unmotivated
40. Seeing close friends suffer
41. Panicking too much
42. Depression
43. Being unemployed
44. Being lied to
45. Lying to people
46. Addictive personality
47. Cucumber
48. Touching raw meat
49. Spiders
50. Confined spaces
51. Superman
53. People who type in text speak
54. When people think they're better than me so talk to me like an idiot
55. I use social networks too much
56. Unoriginality
57. Backstabbing
58. Nick Griffin
59. Spam
60. Awkward silences
61. The rival in Pokémon
62. "New" Sonic. It's just not the same anymore :(
63. When people mix up "there" and "their" etc
64. Not owning Skyrim
65. YouTube comments
66. When people use "gay" as a derogatory term
67. Running out of Lush
68. Ignorance
69. Leopard print clothing - its so tacky
70. The fashion nowadays. It's so horrendously 80s
71. BB and other stupid reality tv shows. They make you dumber
72. Twilight. Face it, it's awful.
73. The people who upload a picture and say how ugly they look. If it a bad picture, don't upload it.
74. Homophobia
75. When people interrupt
76. Overly cutesy couples. You disgust me
77. Screaming girlie girls
78. Hen night party people
79. Those big tacky limos with screaming 15 year olds inside them
80. When people walk really slow in front of you
81. When people bang in to you and then look at you like you're in the wrong
82. Insects
83. Jealousy
84. Those self service check outs in supermarkets
85. Being ID'd then realising I left my ID at home
86. Being Rick-Rolled
87. Stress
88. When I get game rage
89. The fact I'm up in less that 5 hours and im still wide awake
90. Being ill
91. Hypocrites
92. Being bored too easily
93. Sometimes I'm quite needy
94. Getting frustrated too easily
95. Being too negative
96. Being scared I'm letting people down
97. Not being able to party as much as I used to
98. Manipulation
99. I've got 99 problems and a bitch is also one
100. I have too much time on my hands

For my friends

OK, here's the thing. A lot has happened, and I've moaned, cried and talked about it to those who have asked or to those who will listen.
The reason I do these blogs is because I like to think that maybe a year or two down the line - hell, maybe even more that that - I will be able to look back on all the crazy fucked up shit and laugh. Laugh at how "emo" I was, laugh with joy that I got over certain obstacles, and more importantly, laugh with joy at all the good times I've had.

So, I was in the bath there. Real decadent one at that!! Lush bath bombs that turn the water turquoise with golden glittery bubbles and little stars floating about the water, Snow Fairy shower gel and strawberry shampoo, and just for kicks, some Heladro Negro playing in the background. Needless to say, I was Zen as fuck. So I'm lying there in my watery ambient wonderland, and then I just start thing. About everything, yet nothing at the same time. Thoughts and memories just swim through my mind like the wee silver stars floated about in the water. Then it hit me. I should write something. No, I NEED to write something!! so with that I finish my bath, throw a towel on and run to the living room...

“Kenny, I need a laptop now man!! I need to write! Like... right now!”

So here I am, still wet from the bath, huddled up on the couch typing furiously with a fuck ton of spelling mistakes so far while listening to my wee random playlist. (Across The Universe is playing right now, its fucking beautiful)

I don’t really know what I'm going to write about either, I think this needs to be a bit all over the place and lack structure – but I know this isn’t going to be a negative blog. It may have negative points, but I think this is going to have a happy ending. Well, that’s how I feel right now anyway! :P

As I said right back in the beginning of this, a lot has happened over the last year. I wont go into giant descriptions of every teensy little thing that’s made me sad though. Instead, I aim to reflect of the major things that have changed me as a person and my outlook on life.

I think the most obvious thing to speak of then would be Dundee, but really, it wasn’t Dundee that was the problem, it didn’t help mind you – but the real problem was -and is- my depression. When up in Dundee, that was the worst I’ve even been. I wont lie when I said I did go fucking mad up there, nor am I exaggerating. It infuriates me when people use the term depression to describe sadness. Like “OMG I broke a nail and spilt my tea and missed seeing [insert random gig/film/etc.], I'm so depressed”. Some days I would wake up, feel hollow, numb, walk about zombified, no motivation, no joy, loose the will to live and just want to die. Days like that could last for over a month, crying for no reason, uncontrollable rage, frustration at myself and others and so on so forth. It wasn’t pretty man. I don’t bring this up though to score sympathy votes though. The reason I mention it is because I’ve learned more about myself I guess since all that. I mean, when I moved back to Glasgow I was so happy! I can get to college in 15mins, I have access to friends easier, I have a lovely home and I feel more settled, yet I will still get days where I still feel like absolute shit. Don’t get me wrong, it's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it still shakes me up when it happens, and unfortunately its happened a bit more than I care for re3cently. Time of year and whatnot (apparently a minor case of S.A.D.)

When I was walking back from Andrew's tonight I was thinking about all of this. I'd been at his from the 30^th of December till today due to transport being shut off due to the weather. One of the days being at his, I had a few hours where I felt absolutely shit. It really confused me as I was so high spirited before. I was with one of my best friends who I love dearly then out of nowhere this overwhelming hollow unhappiness crept up on me. I just couldn’t understand it. Then as we do, we like to have long conversations about everything anything. We started talking about the John Cameron Mitchell film; Rabbit Hole. He wasn’t too fond of the movie but he mentioned a quote from it that made me think. The film talks about grief, and this is the quote that one of the characters use to describe how they feel:

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

It kinda summed it right up for me. I just need to learn to accept it and learn to deal with everything instead of wanting it disappear. This will be one of my many little challenges this year.

That's right, I'm wanting to better myself. I want to be a better friend, a better student, a better partner and I want to be come a better person. I want to stand up for myself more and I want to feel proud of myself. Loosing a wee bit of weight would be nice too :)

See! That was optimistic, right?! :P

Also, I'm more at peace with the passing of my friend. There was a memorial for him on what would have been his 25^th birthday and all the friends and his family got together and released balloons at places where he worked and studied. There's now a tree planted in his honour and a bench for him in Blythswood Square in front of the Blythswood Hotel where he worked which is nice knowing there's always somewhere to visit to be reminded of him. We even released Chinese lanterns for him which nearly caused some nearby trees to go on fire... kinda fitting really – he would be pishin' himself laughing about it anyway :) All of this made it a lot easier for people to have closure I think. Me and Andrew have spoke about it on numerous occasions and it's great to be able to reminisce and laugh – it helps keep the memory alive and the laughing makes it all less painful.

See, even more optimism! I'm improving! :P

So I don't wanna rabble on forever, so I'll wind this up now.

Am I happy?

No. I am however a shit ton happier than I've been in a long fucking time. I want to become happier though. I am getting there though, and I have the following people to thank mainly:

Kenny, Andrew, Will, Jen and my mum.

I love you all, and I owe you everything, you beautiful people. You all complete me :)

Thank you xxx

(It feels good to have written all this :) I hope this year brings you all happiness, love, friendships and success!)