Where do we go from here?

So, over a month later, I finally get the opportunity to sit and finally make a blog post.

The thing is though, I’m not sure what to do anymore regarding these blogs. Looking back through them all, I can see that I’ve got over certain aspects of life that were bothering me – so yeah, I can say the initial point of these blogs has worked, as I always stated that I’d like to look back and say “I conquered that”. But now… I’m not sure if there’s much to say now.
Sure, I still have my mental meltdowns, I still have days where I want to curl up and die, I still have days where the concept of leaving the bed makes me cry because the idea of being around people is just a bit too much. The difference now though, I can deal with it better. I have new friends.
So what now?

Does the internet still need my angst ramblings?

I’ve seen blogs like Life of a Single Man where what they write about is real, but it also has a lot of effort into making a story out of the blog posts as well, which ideally would be something I’d love to do, but what the hell could I write about that would continue to entertain people?!
Well, I have an idea.

I’m on Tumblr (follow me here you swines!!) and I initially became more active on it mainly due to the amounts of dirty porno gifs and geeky shit :P However, my mate Linky tends to reblog a lot of feminism and body positive posts, which I now follow and tend to reblog a lot too. Only thing is though…

These body positive posts make me sad.

They make me sad because as much as I will joke about and make fat jokes about myself, I can’t find any joy in my appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I may have the odd day where I think, “oh golly gosh, my make up actually makes me look pretty good today!”, so this will result in a “MySpace style” pic! Just my face though, cause god forbid I show the world all my fat! Gotta be pretty, y’know?

Well, I’m getting to the point where I'm fed up with it.
I feel like a hypocrite, y’know? I support body positivity and it pisses me off when people deem us fat burds as unsexy and what not.

LOOK AT THIS BABE!!
Image from http://letilor.blogspot.be/2012/05/sunday-remix-n1-rose-et-pois.html

So why the hell can’t I think that about myself?!

I mean, my own boyfriend of 6+ years hardly ever sees me naked because I’m convinced he’d be instantly turned off by me!

"”Uhh…. why don’t you just put down the cake and go to the gym like anyone else then?”

Well, I’ve had a gym membership since December. How many times have I been?
Twice.

Do I still pay monthly despite that?

You bet your ass I do!


The truth of the matter is that I am lazy. And yeah, that’s my bad. BAD KAY. I’m sorry, but I’d much rather chill out with mates and munch cheese and chocolate and eat crisps :P
But yeah, I’m getting a bit off of the point I was wanting to make…

Essentially, I want to start being body positive with myself. I want to be able to say “I’m a fuckin’ babe!”… or something not as smarmy.

So I mentioned to Linky that I’d wanna maybe to a photo-shoot.
Will it happen? Guess we’ll just need to wait and see!
Please feel free to leave any opinions/ comments/ advice below!


Thanks 

Testing

 

With a new PC comes great responsibility… and personalisation.

While trying to make it all snazzy and stuff, I decided I’d try out the Windows Live Writer program for future blog posts that I’m aiming to do.

So this is just a wee tester to see how well this program works :)

Posativity, nerdy tendancies and anniversaries

Hey Internet, how are you?

Well, there's a few things that I believe I should write about, and don't worry, there's positive things to say!

I have now finished my NQ Graphic Design course! Yup, the year is done, all deadlines have been met and now I need to play the waiting game to see if I have passed and been accepted into the HNC/HND! As it stands, I am 80% confident that I have passed!At this stage, I'm proud of myself regardless whether I get accepted or not - I have tried very hard to complete this and I did which in my eyes is an achievement in itself! I've battled with financial difficulties and mental issues throughout it and despite that I still reached my goal and completed it! If I pass then that's just an added bonus, so yes... There will be cake. So. Much. Cake!

I don't think I could have finished though if it wasn't for Kenny who would constantly encourage me, and the friends I made in the course who are just generally a pleasure to know. They make it worth while when I lost confidence in myself (which, if you read my blog often, would see was quite a regular thing! :P).

On our last day, the class was invited out to The Ark (a student pub right next door to the college) by our lecturers. This was actually really nice! It was nice to be treated like an equal - not that our lecturers treated us like crap or anything, but more the point that they would like to socialise with us outside of their work and treat us like friends and not part of the job!

So yeah, go me! :)

If you seen my last bog post you would have seen the dilemma that me and Kenny had regarding his work. Thankfully this is now no longer an issue! He had applied to work with [Company_Name]* just to see what would happen. They ended up calling him back and asked him to go in for an interview. Things went well and he was offered the job! So he started on Wednesday there and it's nice to see him coming home and enjoying his day! He seems a lot happier and a less stressed! It's also a joy for him as it's only a 10 - 15minute walk from the flat :D

I'm so happy for him though! Since he's been in school he's worked his arse off non-stop, and now he has this amazing opportunity. He deserves it so much. :)


Recently, me and Andrew have talked a lot about Magic The Gathering. When he was a kid, he used to collect them and play it with his mates. When I was a kid, I used to collect them and cut the pictures off and stick them on my wall cause I thought they looked cool. Blasphemous, I know. Now we've decided to play it again for the hell of it. He went to Static Games in Glasgow and bought a starter deck and fucking hell.... We got high and played for 5 - 6 hours NON-FUCKING-STOP. I kicked his ass!! We then got a booster pack each and continued playing! I think the total at the moment is 20 - 3 to me... I get comparative :P Then, literally like a few hours ago, I just ordered more booster packs off of the Internet. I sense a nerdy summer this year! :P To all who read this - do you play any card games? If so, what ones/ for how long have you played it?

And now, I'll finish this up with a serious note.

Today is the year anniversary of the passing of my friend Steven Robers a.k.a. Glasgow Bob.

It's been tough, but I've accepted it. Me and Andrew talk about him a lot as well as talk on how it's been affecting us and whatnot, so I have a lot to thank Andrew for as we've just been there for each other whether it's been face to face or over the phone.

It's insane at how quick the year's flown in. I still remember the day I found out about Bob so vividly, it was if it happened yesterday... I guess one thing we all should do is just appreciate our friends and family more. You never know what could happen. Don't let petty arguments and misunderstandings ruin perfectly good friendships and relationships, try and love yourself a bit more (not like that, you dirty! :P) and on the days where you feel at your lowest; remember that it will pass. It's not easy, but we need to try. I need to try. It feels bad loosing someone who did live his life to the fullest for me to sit about feeling sorry for myself. I know you can't just snap your fingers then be miraculously happy, but I guess I wanna live a bit and even try and try and carry on his memory. Does that make sense? It made more sense in my head. I hope that doesn't come across as me being too preachy or full of myself either. Well... I know what I mean anyway :P

Here's to you Bob. You've never been absent from our minds and conversations. You will always live on in us and we still miss you, you crazy bastard. Love ya.

* I won't disclose who Kenny's working for on this just for his privacy.

The stresses of life. It gets old quickly.

*sigh*

A lot of things have been really eating away at me recently. A lot of things I can't even put on this either, as it could offend/ start fights. Quite frankly, I don't really care anymore. Certain people piss me off, and certain people need to see how their actions affect others. Vague enough? Good. Moving on.

I was hit with a rather big problem recently. Those who know me know that I left Ayr where I lived with a close friend to move to Dundee so I could live with Kenny.  When in Dundee, my depression and anxiety came back and essentially destroyed me. I had no job, no friends, and no JSA money.

Moving back to Glasgow has been the best option as I would be around people I know again, and I was accepted into the City Of Glasgow College. Although I'm still struggling with my mental illness, there has been improvement. I've made friends at college, and I've even applied to do the HNC/ HND course - which is a huge thing for me!

The big problem however, is that Kenny may need to move back to Dundee with his work. Do I move? Do I stay here? I don't know. He may recieve an offer to work with GFI in either Dundee or Edinburgh, however the cost of travel after a while will build up and I'm just worried in case I am holding him back. It's a tricky one...

On a more "woe is me" note though, I feel like I've been forgotten by a lot of people. I've noticed this over the last year or so, but I've came to accept it now. It's sad really. But I suppose there's no point in harassing someone to hangout with you when they'd rather go to the same town to hangout with other people. Maybe it's me, y'know? Maybe I've changed? Maybe I'm just not as likeable as I used to be, or maybe I'm too sad. Who knows. I have at least 2 people though who despite everything have kept in touch, and still continue to give random phone calls/ texts/ visits. Well, maybe that should be only 1 person as I don't think Kenny counts, haha! I just kinda feel like I'm getting more distant from everyone, but I don't think I have it in me to care anymore.

I've also noticed how much angrier I am recently. It's to the point where I can actually make Andrew gasp sometimes with the shit I say. Looking back on it, it's pretty harsh what I say. Worst thing is though, I don't regret it. It just feels like it much easier to piss me off, or even send me on a supreme downer. The only way I've been coping has been just getting absorbed in a game, but that's not very good especially when I've got other shit to do.


Oh. Panic attacks. What's that shit about?! For the past 2 months now, I've been suffering from these A LOT. Going to college in the morning is a nightmare as sometimes the subway makes me think I'm going to die. A snippet of went through my head one day - "I'm going to die and it's going to be slow. My heart's speeding up and I'm going to die. Maybe I should walk on to the platform? Oh god, I can't move my legs. I can't breathe. How the fuck do I swallow again?!?!"
I have stood at the platform in Ibrox subway allowing 3 trains to go by before I got on it, because I couldn't move and that was the shit going through my head. What the fuck is that?! I forgot how to fucking swallow. What the actual fuck!? Needless to say it's been pretty terrifying. I tried to go to a councilor at the college, but I didn't like it. It was just really uncomfortable...

And now to finish this up...
This is my last month as a student. I get my bursary payed into my account on the 17th and 31st. After that, I'm terrified. I have no job, and I'm terrified in case the Job Centre do what they did in Dundee... "Lololol, your bf is earning too much. Live off of his money". Words can't describe the terror and dread I feel about this...... :|

The Dragon Age Challenge

So, I have a serious addiction. No no, I'm not talking about smoking, booze, sexy sex or narcotics - although they are ALL fabulous. I am talking about Dragon Age.

This game has grabbed me unlike any other. And why? I have no idea! Maybe it's the amazing character development? The fact that you actually care about everyone in your party, the fact that you can play the game more than once and not be bored! I'm on my 4th playthrough of Origins and it's like a whole new story! There's your same basic plot, sure, but there's new stories and responses for your character, different ways that the rest of your party/ NPC react to him/ her. I love it!

I've even got 2 Dragon Age books, The Stolen Throne and The Calling. I still need to get Asunder though, but that's my next buy ;) I really like the books though, they're written David Gaider; the man responsible for writing the stories for Baldur's Gate 2 and KOTOR. The books focus on the story before Origins - like The Stolen Throne is about Maric and Loghain and the Orlesians, while The Calling is about Duncan and The Gray Wardens. So if you're a nerd like me you'll love the books as you would have a total feel for the characters, surrounding and you notice how things from the book may be mentioned in the games! CONTINUITY!! :D

But yes, I have set a wee challenge for myself. My original plan was to play through Origins, Awakening then Dragon Age 2 under certain rules then essentially do one giant game review. I would play as a male Elven Mage, be in a romance with Morrigan - no shagging about! - don't be an arsehole; try and be as fair as possible and not just kill everyone for profit (it helps things with Morrigan if you just leave her in camp to do this as she's a bit of a "survival of the fittest" character and is quick to disapprove of niceness :P) and lastly, doing the "ritual" near the end. Then, I will play through Awakenings (truth be told, I haven't played through that yet so it will be all new for me anyway) importing that character. So when it comes to Dragon Age 2, there will hopefully be some sort of reoccurring story or new dialogue since DA2 focus' mainly on the Mage VS Templar story.

So yeah, that is my wee challenge. I was going to to it then blog about it as I go, but realistically I don't have the time and I am too scared to give away spoilers. I seriously say though, that if you haven't played this game and you like games like Oblivion, Skyrim, Final Fantasy or even if you just like Fantasy books or stories in general, check this game out!! You have loads of story, DLC and character development to grab you and enjoy!

Magic, tits and monsters. Could you really as for more?

Leaky eyes

I want to cry, just so I have some sort of emotional release but I feel unable to. This has left me feeling cold, grumpy and numb for quite a while now. Would quite like to cry and just be done with it.

Oh, emotional stability would also be nice. Can I have some of that please?

Some money too. Living off of £390 a month really ain't that great, ken? Especially when it leaves you with fuck all. All my jeans have holes in them and are at least 2 years old. I've seen homeless people with nicer things.

Ain't I just a bundle of sunshine!!

Frustration

Well this is annoying. I've pretty much had a great day today. Had good news at college, had a good laugh, and I've been pretty productive.

Sounds good, aye?

Why the fuck have I been feeling really fucking angry for the past 2 - 3 hours then?! I've stayed to myself mainly to avoid snapping or lashing out at people but it's really pissing me off.

Gonna sleep on the couch tonight me thinks. Earphones + music + proper dark room and a cheeky smoke. This may help.

Oi, good mood, you better come back tomorrow or else!!!! >:(

Valentines Day. What's your opinion of it?

So. It's that time of the year again. The time of year when young girls dream of receiving that card from their secret sweetheart exposing their love of them, where girls dream of being proposed to by their other half in the most ridiculously cutesy and "chick flick" way. When greeting card companies get intense boners as this day is the new Christmas in marketing terms. Or you get the people miserable bastards like me who either don't give a rats arse, or those who have deep-seated hatred of it.

Oh childhood... You were a cruel bitch!

I've had a lot of comments like "how can you hate Valentines Day?! It's about LOVE etc etc etc etc". I just don't get it. I don't understand why you need a day of the year to feel the need to "express your love" for someone. Would it not be more of a romantic gesture to do something; whether it is buying a gift, going out for a meal or a holiday, when a day of the year didn't make it such a big deal?

Also, I know I can say for a fact, back when I was single I hated this day even more. Nothing reminds you more of how crap it is to be single than V-Day. Smug couples and pink love hearts were my enemies years ago :P It all just seems quite fake.

But that's just my opinion. I'm not saying that every single person is carving "WHY U NO <3 ME?!" on their arm today, and I know there are those who enjoy an excuse to repulse the human race with their cutesyness.

All I say is try and do something special on a day that doesn't fund all the corporate shammy holiday people.

Mind you, I have seen some FANTASTIC cards online this year. I'll put up a couple of my favorites :)

Bahahaha.... Bottom...

So, to sum it all up, I hope you have a nice Tuesday regardless what you do or who you're with.

Le fin :)

*P.S. I apologize at the way the images are. Trying to arrange the pictures on  Blogger is a tad pernickety!

As Plato once said....

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.



Long story short, I really need a smoke :(

"Fake it till you make it"

Ok, so I had a bit of a lapse recently. Just everything building up in my head and I kinda snapped. Tried to do something that I kinda regret, but failed.

So yeah, hasn't been the greatest of moments truth be told but meh... You learn from your mistakes, yeah?

Kenny had shown me a web comic where the main character randomly comes out saying that he suffers from depression, and while at the therapist he says that he "fakes it till he makes it". I dunno why, but that line kinda hit me... Dunno if that's good or bad, but it just made me realise that that's what I kinda do. I just go about faking to be this character. I won't lie, it gave me a bit of an identity crisis y'know? That whole dramatic moment where you start questioning who you even are. Pretty lame, huh?

My head is just all over the place recently. Too much stress in my own life and everyone else's and it just kinda builds up on me. I just need a vacation. Take me away to Alaska. Give me unlimited smokes, weed and Pepsi Max and I'll binge the sad away :P

I don't think the lack of money is helping much either these days. We're fed up asking to borrow money. Doesn't do well for ones esteem these days.

Ach well, gotta think positive right?

INITIATE POSITIVE THINKING IN

3


2


1



GO!

... I'm going to see Mastodon on Tuesday!! I reckon a bunch of flailing and screaming will cleanse the soul marvellously! Hahaha :P

Anyhoo, that will do for now :) Toodles bitches :)

Old. So very old!

Well, I have now successfully survived another journey around the sun. I'm now 25.

Jeeeesus....

I guess it's time for me to reflect on this, yes?

What have I achieved in the last 25 years? Nothing that I can show off anyway. I don't have amazing school grades, a degree, or a job (yet).
What I have though, is the beginning for a fabulous future. For the past 5 years, my relationship with Kenny continues to amaze and surprise me. We have those serious chats more often now, like the "where are we going from here" conversations. Part of me wants to run to the hills at the concept of this much commitment, yet the other half feel like this is exactly where I want to be. Which, if you know me at all, is a pretty big fucking thing!

I have an amazing flat - it's not perfect, I know, but for starting off, it's bloody perfect. I can totally see me here for the next 5+ years, so recently I have been trying to be all domestic goddess and have the place just as I like it. And you know what? I fucking love it!

I actually can't believe how quickly I feel like i'm growing up... But I've decided not to fight it anymore.

I'm also trying my best to get my life back in line. I don't want to become a slave to my emotions and negativity all my life, so I have started a regime.

• Tidy more often
• Exercise more (walking back from college, ordered an exercise DVD etc)
• Be more creative
• Sort out my sleeping patterns
• Meet my college deadlines
• Meet up with friends more
• Take up a hobby that isn't just video games
• Save money!!!

So far, I'm already feeling the benefits! If anything, the sleeping pattern is the most difficult thing on that list... I'm either not falling asleep, or I'm sleeping too much!! Ach well, just gotta deal with it one step at a time :P

I have seriously been feeling a lot better recently though. I still have my bad down days, but I'm dealing with them better. I just try and do something so I'm atleast productive at the same time, so regardless how crap I fell, I know I've achieved something, and not matter how small it is, an achievement is still a posative thing :)

Shittles, it's 1am. Time to finish this up quickly then!

My birthday was amazing. Kenny and our flatmate decided to throw me a surprise party on the Saturday. I got back from my mum's, hung about town with Kenny to come back to balloons with "Happy Dethday", "Flange Juices", "Saggy Scrotum", "Anal Seepage" and other delightful words wrote on then, the most disgusting homemade vegan cake I've ever seen (fucking tasty though!), great music and a small bunch of friends. It was perfect! :)

My brother also got me a Mastodon ticket. I am so excited it's not even funny!! :D :D :D

I've also treated myself - I have bought myself a purple ukulele, and a whole bunch of DVDs! :D

Btw, the people who actually read my blog, I don't know if you're people I know or random people from the land of the internets, but if you're my friends then thank you for not treating me different for all the ranty stuff I put on this.

Right, I've summed up everything that's happened! Time for a late night shower and then sleep! :D




Also, I've never seen a comic that has summed me up more in my entire life. Read and subscribe.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

#100ThingsIHate

I can't sleep. I'm back in college tomorrow and Dragon Age 2 has ruined my sleeping pattern. This is a trending topic on Twitter, so instead of clogging up my Timeline, I did it here. It also kills some time and will hopefully make me sleepy. So here we go....

1. Being poor
2. Not knowing what I want to be when I grow up
3. Lacking the confidence to say how I really feel to people
4. Not being able to see my friends as much as I used to
5. Loud obnoxious people
6. People who don't really listen to what you say
7. Eating in public
8. My image
9. My dry skin
10. My thick hair
11. That wee neddy lassie that used to piss me off in school (bitch)
12. Not saying things to certain people when I had the chance
13. Deadlines
14. Kenny's farting (seriously, it's bad!!)
15. Constantly thinking "what if?"
16. That one person who will call all the bloody time and talk about nothing
17. People who cannot shut up through a movie
18. The people who try and get your bank info for charities in streets
19. People who don't believe in evolution
20. People who are too vain
21. People who have obnoxiously loud sex (Nae need)
22. When someone will just talk at you then get offended if you don't care
23. Not being musically talented
24. The Westboro Baptist Church
25. "Swagger Jagger". Do I need to explain??
26. Adam Sandler
27. Animal cruelty
28. Idiots
29. Nose bleeds
30. Being unable to sleep
31. Scary dreams
32. Being a coward
33. Caring too much in certain cases
34. Being too emotional
35. Being a push over
36. Being taken advantage of
37. Getting attached to people to easy
38. Give up too easy
39. Being lazy and unmotivated
40. Seeing close friends suffer
41. Panicking too much
42. Depression
43. Being unemployed
44. Being lied to
45. Lying to people
46. Addictive personality
47. Cucumber
48. Touching raw meat
49. Spiders
50. Confined spaces
51. Superman
53. People who type in text speak
54. When people think they're better than me so talk to me like an idiot
55. I use social networks too much
56. Unoriginality
57. Backstabbing
58. Nick Griffin
59. Spam
60. Awkward silences
61. The rival in Pokémon
62. "New" Sonic. It's just not the same anymore :(
63. When people mix up "there" and "their" etc
64. Not owning Skyrim
65. YouTube comments
66. When people use "gay" as a derogatory term
67. Running out of Lush
68. Ignorance
69. Leopard print clothing - its so tacky
70. The fashion nowadays. It's so horrendously 80s
71. BB and other stupid reality tv shows. They make you dumber
72. Twilight. Face it, it's awful.
73. The people who upload a picture and say how ugly they look. If it a bad picture, don't upload it.
74. Homophobia
75. When people interrupt
76. Overly cutesy couples. You disgust me
77. Screaming girlie girls
78. Hen night party people
79. Those big tacky limos with screaming 15 year olds inside them
80. When people walk really slow in front of you
81. When people bang in to you and then look at you like you're in the wrong
82. Insects
83. Jealousy
84. Those self service check outs in supermarkets
85. Being ID'd then realising I left my ID at home
86. Being Rick-Rolled
87. Stress
88. When I get game rage
89. The fact I'm up in less that 5 hours and im still wide awake
90. Being ill
91. Hypocrites
92. Being bored too easily
93. Sometimes I'm quite needy
94. Getting frustrated too easily
95. Being too negative
96. Being scared I'm letting people down
97. Not being able to party as much as I used to
98. Manipulation
99. I've got 99 problems and a bitch is also one
100. I have too much time on my hands

For my friends

OK, here's the thing. A lot has happened, and I've moaned, cried and talked about it to those who have asked or to those who will listen.
The reason I do these blogs is because I like to think that maybe a year or two down the line - hell, maybe even more that that - I will be able to look back on all the crazy fucked up shit and laugh. Laugh at how "emo" I was, laugh with joy that I got over certain obstacles, and more importantly, laugh with joy at all the good times I've had.

So, I was in the bath there. Real decadent one at that!! Lush bath bombs that turn the water turquoise with golden glittery bubbles and little stars floating about the water, Snow Fairy shower gel and strawberry shampoo, and just for kicks, some Heladro Negro playing in the background. Needless to say, I was Zen as fuck. So I'm lying there in my watery ambient wonderland, and then I just start thing. About everything, yet nothing at the same time. Thoughts and memories just swim through my mind like the wee silver stars floated about in the water. Then it hit me. I should write something. No, I NEED to write something!! so with that I finish my bath, throw a towel on and run to the living room...

“Kenny, I need a laptop now man!! I need to write! Like... right now!”

So here I am, still wet from the bath, huddled up on the couch typing furiously with a fuck ton of spelling mistakes so far while listening to my wee random playlist. (Across The Universe is playing right now, its fucking beautiful)

I don’t really know what I'm going to write about either, I think this needs to be a bit all over the place and lack structure – but I know this isn’t going to be a negative blog. It may have negative points, but I think this is going to have a happy ending. Well, that’s how I feel right now anyway! :P

As I said right back in the beginning of this, a lot has happened over the last year. I wont go into giant descriptions of every teensy little thing that’s made me sad though. Instead, I aim to reflect of the major things that have changed me as a person and my outlook on life.

I think the most obvious thing to speak of then would be Dundee, but really, it wasn’t Dundee that was the problem, it didn’t help mind you – but the real problem was -and is- my depression. When up in Dundee, that was the worst I’ve even been. I wont lie when I said I did go fucking mad up there, nor am I exaggerating. It infuriates me when people use the term depression to describe sadness. Like “OMG I broke a nail and spilt my tea and missed seeing [insert random gig/film/etc.], I'm so depressed”. Some days I would wake up, feel hollow, numb, walk about zombified, no motivation, no joy, loose the will to live and just want to die. Days like that could last for over a month, crying for no reason, uncontrollable rage, frustration at myself and others and so on so forth. It wasn’t pretty man. I don’t bring this up though to score sympathy votes though. The reason I mention it is because I’ve learned more about myself I guess since all that. I mean, when I moved back to Glasgow I was so happy! I can get to college in 15mins, I have access to friends easier, I have a lovely home and I feel more settled, yet I will still get days where I still feel like absolute shit. Don’t get me wrong, it's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it still shakes me up when it happens, and unfortunately its happened a bit more than I care for re3cently. Time of year and whatnot (apparently a minor case of S.A.D.)

When I was walking back from Andrew's tonight I was thinking about all of this. I'd been at his from the 30^th of December till today due to transport being shut off due to the weather. One of the days being at his, I had a few hours where I felt absolutely shit. It really confused me as I was so high spirited before. I was with one of my best friends who I love dearly then out of nowhere this overwhelming hollow unhappiness crept up on me. I just couldn’t understand it. Then as we do, we like to have long conversations about everything anything. We started talking about the John Cameron Mitchell film; Rabbit Hole. He wasn’t too fond of the movie but he mentioned a quote from it that made me think. The film talks about grief, and this is the quote that one of the characters use to describe how they feel:

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

It kinda summed it right up for me. I just need to learn to accept it and learn to deal with everything instead of wanting it disappear. This will be one of my many little challenges this year.

That's right, I'm wanting to better myself. I want to be a better friend, a better student, a better partner and I want to be come a better person. I want to stand up for myself more and I want to feel proud of myself. Loosing a wee bit of weight would be nice too :)

See! That was optimistic, right?! :P

Also, I'm more at peace with the passing of my friend. There was a memorial for him on what would have been his 25^th birthday and all the friends and his family got together and released balloons at places where he worked and studied. There's now a tree planted in his honour and a bench for him in Blythswood Square in front of the Blythswood Hotel where he worked which is nice knowing there's always somewhere to visit to be reminded of him. We even released Chinese lanterns for him which nearly caused some nearby trees to go on fire... kinda fitting really – he would be pishin' himself laughing about it anyway :) All of this made it a lot easier for people to have closure I think. Me and Andrew have spoke about it on numerous occasions and it's great to be able to reminisce and laugh – it helps keep the memory alive and the laughing makes it all less painful.

See, even more optimism! I'm improving! :P

So I don't wanna rabble on forever, so I'll wind this up now.

Am I happy?

No. I am however a shit ton happier than I've been in a long fucking time. I want to become happier though. I am getting there though, and I have the following people to thank mainly:

Kenny, Andrew, Will, Jen and my mum.

I love you all, and I owe you everything, you beautiful people. You all complete me :)

Thank you xxx

(It feels good to have written all this :) I hope this year brings you all happiness, love, friendships and success!)

Slowly getting there

I'm terrible at keeping track of these blogs :P

So, I officially started my course on the 29th of August and I attend on the Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I was absolutely terrified as well. Barely slept a wink. Seriously! Due to the travel, I'm having to get myself up at 3:30/4:00 which gives me time to get up, dressed, put on make up, straighten my hair (which is a mission on it's own!!) then get down to the bus station for the 6:10 bus which will get me in for 8:15 or 8:30ish depending on traffic. Considering I got about 2 hours sleep at the most on the Sunday, you can imagine that I was pretty much dead on my feet! Thankfully Kenny came to Glasgow with me that day, as he went to view a flat in Rutherglen - but I'll talk more about the whole flat issue another day, like when I actually move in so it has a happy ending ;)
The first day went really well I think! I got to use a Mac, which was glorious :P I won't lie though, it was a bit weird. I've never used one before, so it takes a bit of getting used to - as does Illustrator. I have no fucking clue how to use it! So during our Digital Media class, it's safe to say that I failed pretty miserably at it :P Hopefully I'll be better this Monday though! :)

I love the drawing classes though. I love how it's really giving me a challenge! One of my major hangups with any drawings I do is the fact I take ages with them. I'm too much of a perfectionist with a defeatist attitude! "Och, I fucked that up!" *start again!*, or "Naw, that's shite!" *rage smoke!*. They don't give me the chance to be like that. It would be a case of BAM! Draw the person in front of you now by:

• Quick sketch in 20 mins making sure the proportions are good
• Drawing with the hand you don't use (My left hand for me)
• Draw with the hand you don't use and don't look at your drawing, and don't take your pencil off the paper! One continuous line!
• Use pastels/charcoal/pencil/conte chalk

I've put a few of the better pics up along with the first one I drew just to show some sort of improvement. I know that these aren't absolutely amazing, but it's nice to actually see that they are getting better and I'm allowing myself to be more sketchy instead of extremely delicate with them :)

First day
Draw person in front
20 mins 

Second day
Draw person in front - profile
15 mins

Third day
Draw person in front - profile (using charcoal)
15 mins

Fourth day
Draw person in front wearing a hat
20 mins

Forth day
Self portrait while wearing a hat
45 mins

Kenny

So, I was in the shower there and while washing I was just thinking about a lot of stuff and conversations online I had today. For the record, I'd like to state right now that this is aimed no one in particular. It's a rant that's been years in the making.

I know there's a lot of people who think that Kenny's too good for me. I also know that there's people who think that I am a bitch to him. Well, to those people...:

Fuck you.

See, I'm aware that me and Kenny are total opposites. I know we don't have millions of things in common. What I do know however, is that we know everything about each other. We don't kiss and cuddle 24/7 or in public  because we don't need to show off how much we love each other nor do we don't need to send overly cutesy text messages or emails. Quite frankly, I find couples who do that really annoying and smug. Great, you're a couple. We get it. Get over it. I know I'm really cynical though, but I won't apologise for it either. That's just who I am. Don't like it? Tough.

Let me ask you something though. How well do you know your partner? What's going through their head? Are they lying to you? Are they telling your friends things about you that you don't even know about? 

I've had people say to me "You must not love each other that much if you're in an open relationship! How can you have sex with someone else or kiss someone else and claim you love him?"

Lolwut?!

Have you ever considered that maybe we love each other so much we want to allow each other to experiment with other people? Can anyone honestly say 100%, that your eyes have never wandered? Have you never seen anyone and thought or fantasised about them? Never? We let each other experiment and have fun, but we always talk about it. If one of us ever felt uncomfortable or decided we wanted to stop, then it stops, and it's just me and him. To me, sex isn't everything. It's fun. It's contact. It's also a bond. Don't get me wrong, I don't go to a club, see someone then go "lolololol sex naow?!". Nor do I jump into bed with someone who I don't know or just think is hot. There's more to it than that.

I can understand that some people may disagree with that, or find it wrong. Go ahead! You're allowed to think what you like. That is your right as a human being. Just do not tell me that I am being a terrible partner, because I can assure you that I am most certainly not.

I can list many reasons why I love Kenny. I won't however as quite frankly I can't be arsed. What I will say though is that Kenny knows everything about me. He's seen me at my high points in life (literally too :P) and he's seen me at my very lowest. Throughout all of that, he has stayed by me, supported me, helped me and not complained. He makes me feel special and I do the same for him. I would never hurt someone who can make me feel like that.

Over the past 4, coming up 5 years now, me and Kenny have been through a lot. There was even a brief time where we nearly split up. We worked on it though, and if anything we're stronger for it. Nor has it just been me going through shit, he has went through his fair amount of shit too. He doesn't talk about it though. No wait....

He tells me.

And who helps him?

Me.

It frustrates me so much when couples don't talk about their problems. They run and tell their mates about how "he did this" or "she does this", and when asked if they've told their partner how they say... "No....".

*facepalm*

I'm gonna wind it up here cause I should probably get some kip, but this has been bugging me for a while. I just hope maybe someone will read this and think, "Hmm, maybe I should appreciate my partner a bit more" or maybe question do they actually even know who they're with. If you're in a perfect relationship however then great! Good for you! Don't let them slip away, and never change yourself for them either! Always be yourself and remember and appreciate the people closet to you as well. They might not always be there for you when you need them otherwise.

P.S. As much as I love Kenny, he can also be a prick at times too. I love him enough to admit he has flaws, and Kenny... sweetie... If you're reading this right now then yes, I love you. But so help me, if you keep me awake all night ever again, imma gonna hurt you! :P

Love. We can has it.

This is tougher than I ever expected

I wish I could drive. I just want to drive away from here and go somewhere I feel safe and relaxed. With Kenny being away it's making me realize how much I really struggle at being on my own. I feel like a nervous wreck depending on people online to keep me company more than usual - which is never a good thing considering that these people have their own lives to deal with. I just feel so selfish.

It's actually exhausting being so damned miserable. I'm sick of it and it's making me ill.

I'm trying to get through this by just sleeping. I woke up today at the back of 9pm which is good, cause if I manage to sleep by 2pm then hopefully I can wake up at 6pm then it's another day that's disappeared.

I wish I had a Tardis.

No, scrap that. I wish I had a fucking life.

Music always helps

For the past few weeks especially, I've been feeling really low. I try not to burden people with my issues, but the few people who know me closely know what's going on in my head and they also know why I get so down. Past and present issues are the main thing in it all. Today has been another one of those days. While sitting here and saying to myself, "right, you need to move and tidy the flat, go for a shower, try and be creative - find some motivation damnit!", I still didn't move. Instead I did what I usually do... I sat and stared aimlessly at Google+, Facebook, Twitter and old reliable - YouTube. While starting off on YouTube watching little snippet documentaries of Komodo Dragons, I came across this music video that I haven't heard in years. I sat and watched and listened intently then felt a feeling of hope. Too corny? Well, it's true regardless of that.
So I say to you now, when you have one of those days where you just want to hide under the duvet; when you just want to curl up and hide away; when you lack motivation and any sort of pride or respect in yourself, listen to this. Just take 5 minutes and watch and listen. Hopefully if you're like me, you'll feel moved enough to actually do as the song says.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience...I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked....You're not as fat as you
imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind...the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe
you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either -- your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own..

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

The longest blog I've ever done.

I do believe I have a fair bit to write up on... I'm actually want to take the time and effort with this one though, so I'm going to be doing it in segments for my benefit :P 

* College and MONO *

The last few blogs were mainly me saying my goodbyes to a friend who was killed suddenly, and everything else didn't really seem to matter. I never mentioned the outcome of the college interview for the Art & Design course. I got to the college, and the lecturer had told us that the A&D course was full and that anyone successful would just be put in a waiting list. Kinda bummed about it to be fair, but when they interviewed me, they said I would be good in a Graphic Design course. I could do a year at that, then if I pass, I could then try and move onto a higher A&D class - as I'm more interested in abstract work. The Graphic Design course will help me though, as I'm quite rusty at drawing so it'll be good to have a year of traditional drawing in a learning environment so I can be more motivated :)

I went to go and see MONO at The Arches in Glasgow with Bob and (American) Will which was fucking awesome! We were right up the front for it so we had a great view! I never heard of the support band before, and they were called Holy Mountain, so I was expecting lots of ambiance and wind chimes, but was greeted with 2 guys with guitars, lots of white noise, screaming, one of the guys head butting his guitar and flailing about and just your normal run of the mill noise-core music.

I loved it! =D

When MONO cam on, I was so happy. Their music is just beautiful, and to see it performed right in front of my eyes was just.... bliss! I was kinda gutted that they never played the song "Everlasting Light", but they played a lot of other songs too, including "Burial At Sea". Have a listen =)

* The Travel to Brum *
I have learned something valuable from this experience. Never let my brother book things "on the cheap". =P As much I as I enjoy saving money, I never want to walk about Birmingham from 5am till 3pm to check into a dingy wee Travel Lodge again! The bus travel on the way down was tolerable at best. We spent the time either listening to our music, playing "I Spy" and laughing at this annoying guy on the bus who passed out and kept making funny faces in his sleep XD

This guy was such a total douche, but it was amusing to laugh at him when he was sleeping :P

* Metal Exhibition *
My brother, his friend Stevi and me went to go to see the Metal exhibition in town and it was brilliant! It was awesome walking about seeing memorabilia, recorded interviews and just hearing good music =D There isn't much more to say about it, but I got a few pics off my phone from it. It makes me feel so old =(

Only a £1!!! Everything's so expensive now >.<

*drool* It's a rubbish picture, I know, but that bike was amazing!

Judas Priest cassette tapes

Judas Priest Pop-Up book

My wee drawing =)

* The Gig *
Roger Waters was absolutely astounding! It was more of a performance rather than a gig. For any Pink Floyd fans who may read this will (hopefully) have heard of the album; The Wall.

"The Wall is a rock opera that explores abandonment and isolation, symbolised by a metaphorical wall. The songs create an approximate storyline of events in the life of the protagonist, Pink, a character based on Waters, whose father was killed during the Second World War. Pink is oppressed by his overprotective mother, and tormented at school by tyrannical, abusive teachers. Each of these traumas become metaphoric "bricks in the wall". The protagonist eventually becomes a rock star, his relationships marred by infidelity, drug use, and outbursts of violence. As his marriage crumbles, he finishes building his wall, completing his isolation from human contact.Hidden behind his wall, Pink's crisis escalates, culminating in an hallucinatory on-stage performance where he believes that he is a fascist dictator performing at concerts similar to Neo-Nazi rallies, at which he sets men on fans he considers unworthy. Tormented with guilt, he places himself on trial, his inner judge ordering him to "tear down the wall", opening Pink to the outside world. The album turns full circle with its closing words "Isn't this where...", the first words of the phrase that begins the album, "...we came in?", with a continuation of the melody of the last song hinting at the cyclical nature of Waters' theme.The album includes several references to former band member Syd Barrett, including "Nobody Home", which hints at his condition during Pink Floyd's abortive US tour of 1967, with lyrics such as "wild, staring eyes", "Hendrix perm" and "Gohills Boots". "Comfortably Numb", was inspired by Waters's injection with a muscle relaxant to combat the effects of hepatitis during the In the Flesh Tour."

Needless to say, it's an intense and very personal album. I first discovered this album when I was roughly 14/15 years old, and I fell in love with it. I related with the loneliness and the songs.. "they spoke to me, man!" I would listen to it on repeat constantly, I even had lyrics for it wrote on my school bag. I was sooo goth! Haha. It's hard to try and explain how awesome the gig was, because it was there's much to talk about. My brother managed to record the end of the songs, Bring The Boys Back Home, Comfortably Numb and Run Like Hell. The videos aren't great quality, but if you have the volume relatively low you can tolerate it and be amazed at the projections. Again, the videos reduce the quality massively, but you can imagine how amazing it would have been to actually be there. I just can't wait till the DVD for the tour comes out, because I need to relive this in some sort of way and if you're a fan then I recommend it to you too. 

Intermission - The wall is fully built and pictures of dead soldiers and  civilians cover it

Bring the Boys Back Home / Comfortably Numb
(Forgive the quality and gaze in wonder at 7:40mins in)

Run Like Hell

(Again, sorry about the quality)

* What's next?! *
For all the people who actually take the time to read this or know me, you've probably assumed that I'm not a fan of living in Dundee. Well, you're right. I hate it. Intensely. 
So it is with that, I take great joy in saying typing that we have a flat awaiting us Glasgow now! It's in the same flat block as my brother, less than a minutes walk to the subway station and a 15minute walk into the city centre! I can't wait! I'm hoping to move in on the 19th of August, so this means I'll actually need to start packing soon!!
Also, Kenny's going away to Berlin on the 4th of August - the 12th, so I'm trying to get people to come up and visit so I have company. Hopefully people can make it!


And with that, I end the blog. If you made it this far then well done! Here, have a cookie! =)