For my friends

OK, here's the thing. A lot has happened, and I've moaned, cried and talked about it to those who have asked or to those who will listen.
The reason I do these blogs is because I like to think that maybe a year or two down the line - hell, maybe even more that that - I will be able to look back on all the crazy fucked up shit and laugh. Laugh at how "emo" I was, laugh with joy that I got over certain obstacles, and more importantly, laugh with joy at all the good times I've had.

So, I was in the bath there. Real decadent one at that!! Lush bath bombs that turn the water turquoise with golden glittery bubbles and little stars floating about the water, Snow Fairy shower gel and strawberry shampoo, and just for kicks, some Heladro Negro playing in the background. Needless to say, I was Zen as fuck. So I'm lying there in my watery ambient wonderland, and then I just start thing. About everything, yet nothing at the same time. Thoughts and memories just swim through my mind like the wee silver stars floated about in the water. Then it hit me. I should write something. No, I NEED to write something!! so with that I finish my bath, throw a towel on and run to the living room...

“Kenny, I need a laptop now man!! I need to write! Like... right now!”

So here I am, still wet from the bath, huddled up on the couch typing furiously with a fuck ton of spelling mistakes so far while listening to my wee random playlist. (Across The Universe is playing right now, its fucking beautiful)

I don’t really know what I'm going to write about either, I think this needs to be a bit all over the place and lack structure – but I know this isn’t going to be a negative blog. It may have negative points, but I think this is going to have a happy ending. Well, that’s how I feel right now anyway! :P

As I said right back in the beginning of this, a lot has happened over the last year. I wont go into giant descriptions of every teensy little thing that’s made me sad though. Instead, I aim to reflect of the major things that have changed me as a person and my outlook on life.

I think the most obvious thing to speak of then would be Dundee, but really, it wasn’t Dundee that was the problem, it didn’t help mind you – but the real problem was -and is- my depression. When up in Dundee, that was the worst I’ve even been. I wont lie when I said I did go fucking mad up there, nor am I exaggerating. It infuriates me when people use the term depression to describe sadness. Like “OMG I broke a nail and spilt my tea and missed seeing [insert random gig/film/etc.], I'm so depressed”. Some days I would wake up, feel hollow, numb, walk about zombified, no motivation, no joy, loose the will to live and just want to die. Days like that could last for over a month, crying for no reason, uncontrollable rage, frustration at myself and others and so on so forth. It wasn’t pretty man. I don’t bring this up though to score sympathy votes though. The reason I mention it is because I’ve learned more about myself I guess since all that. I mean, when I moved back to Glasgow I was so happy! I can get to college in 15mins, I have access to friends easier, I have a lovely home and I feel more settled, yet I will still get days where I still feel like absolute shit. Don’t get me wrong, it's nowhere near as bad as it was, but it still shakes me up when it happens, and unfortunately its happened a bit more than I care for re3cently. Time of year and whatnot (apparently a minor case of S.A.D.)

When I was walking back from Andrew's tonight I was thinking about all of this. I'd been at his from the 30^th of December till today due to transport being shut off due to the weather. One of the days being at his, I had a few hours where I felt absolutely shit. It really confused me as I was so high spirited before. I was with one of my best friends who I love dearly then out of nowhere this overwhelming hollow unhappiness crept up on me. I just couldn’t understand it. Then as we do, we like to have long conversations about everything anything. We started talking about the John Cameron Mitchell film; Rabbit Hole. He wasn’t too fond of the movie but he mentioned a quote from it that made me think. The film talks about grief, and this is the quote that one of the characters use to describe how they feel:

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

It kinda summed it right up for me. I just need to learn to accept it and learn to deal with everything instead of wanting it disappear. This will be one of my many little challenges this year.

That's right, I'm wanting to better myself. I want to be a better friend, a better student, a better partner and I want to be come a better person. I want to stand up for myself more and I want to feel proud of myself. Loosing a wee bit of weight would be nice too :)

See! That was optimistic, right?! :P

Also, I'm more at peace with the passing of my friend. There was a memorial for him on what would have been his 25^th birthday and all the friends and his family got together and released balloons at places where he worked and studied. There's now a tree planted in his honour and a bench for him in Blythswood Square in front of the Blythswood Hotel where he worked which is nice knowing there's always somewhere to visit to be reminded of him. We even released Chinese lanterns for him which nearly caused some nearby trees to go on fire... kinda fitting really – he would be pishin' himself laughing about it anyway :) All of this made it a lot easier for people to have closure I think. Me and Andrew have spoke about it on numerous occasions and it's great to be able to reminisce and laugh – it helps keep the memory alive and the laughing makes it all less painful.

See, even more optimism! I'm improving! :P

So I don't wanna rabble on forever, so I'll wind this up now.

Am I happy?

No. I am however a shit ton happier than I've been in a long fucking time. I want to become happier though. I am getting there though, and I have the following people to thank mainly:

Kenny, Andrew, Will, Jen and my mum.

I love you all, and I owe you everything, you beautiful people. You all complete me :)

Thank you xxx

(It feels good to have written all this :) I hope this year brings you all happiness, love, friendships and success!)